A small box!
It hit me, I was unhappy. I was miserable. I mean not the miserable that you want other people to be miserable but the miserable of deep deep disappointment. I had passed by this street two days ago I thought to myself what am I supposed to be seeing different? "Dusty h**" the words rang out of a complete strangers mouth as I was on my way home trying to not have an anxiety attack. I can't do it. I can't see the same thing over and over and over and over again. I can't, I was slowly losing my mind and the only people that were there to assist me quietly disliked me so really I didn't have anyone to listen as to how I was in the wrong place. This is not where I belong. Something is wrong, something is missing, and this is not it.
Hello why hi! As you know already I'm a 32 year old woman that grew up extremely poor in the city of Chicago. Here's the reality, my life was unfair. I was surrounded by people that didn't like me, and quit frankly didn't really care. Luckily I didn't end up with a baby before 16 but as it seems even women who've had kids as teenagers turned out with more support then I did.
A shelter rang through the phone and I thought I just want to go. Why me? Honestly, yes I had to ask why me? Deep in my core I am the sweetest person ever but for some reason in Chicago I just feel trapped. I can't explain it. I don't want to go anywhere, every where is so violent. If you go downtown it's nice but here's the deal. I went to school downtown so it can get kinda boring. When you go to school downtown, work downtown and live downtown the fancy of it all becomes normal. Reason being, you already see it for what it is. You've already walked around in your flip flops and faux fur smoking a blunt in the park. You've literally already seen it, over and over and over again. So what else is there to do?
A net just passed me so I'm wondering should I rush outside and see something that I've already seen or should I just be honest and say I don't want to be here. I really don't. My mom tried to talk to me about the South Shore Cultural Center and one of those parks becoming one, I literally thought I don't care. No about her but about hearing the same thing over and over and over again.
I am a person that has come to realize I don't do well in situations where there isn't new things to discover. I can't have the same friends, after a while I get bored of them. Usually it's the same thing. I can't stay in the same place to long because after about 6 months I'm ready to go. I can't even see the same view after a while. I literally go crazy. I don't understand how people can stay in one city for so long and be content with that. I don't. I am not judging anyone however this is driving me up a wall.
Here's a quick update, I'm still in the worst apartment I could have ever signed a lease to and recently got rehired at a job I worked at some years ago. I had to collect unemployment for a short while because there was no money coming in. They now are asking me to pay money back. A pure shame as there was no food in my place and no way to even buy bleach to clean my apartment. Relationships, yeah right I don't want one. No offense the idea of staying around a person when I legit can't stand staying in one city is not ideal for me at all. I have to be honest I am about to lose my mind.
I've tried meeting new people, reality check everyone in Chicago since I've met them doesn't have anything new to say. The guys think I'm nasty but really half the time their pants are off there butt and I see their underwear. Girls try and bully me to start a fight but I always think this isn't it so there is no need to respond. A lot of times I have to walk away. I do. I get on the bus, they bump me, try and push me and even hit me. Last female hit me in the head and all I could think is Chanel you are not wealthy and don't let her ruin the chance of you getting there. So I walked away, smiled and thought to myself this is not it. Everyone calls everyone bums, broke and the filthiest names all day. Literally that is most of the conversation that I hear but if you ask them what mansion they live in in a secluded community there is no response. I am about to loose my mind. This is not fair. First I have to grow up poor, struggling and outright bogus. Then my family turns against me and leaves me hanging.
On my way from the grocery store that my mother had to help me get food. Reason being, I couldn't get hired or get my checks so I had to have help. I was so stressed out I ended up sick with fibroid tumors on my pelvic. Literally. Went from healthy as an ox to sick as a dog. That saying where stress can kill you, I didn't believe it until now. I am literally like the most hated person and I don't know any of the people that hate me. I just have to remember that success looks a lot nicer and way more cleaner. Even the neighbor where success sleeps is cleaner, nicer, less violence and has really pretty high gates that open up when you drive up and there is a security at the front gate who won't let people in without permission. That is the only thing that gets me out of bed. The fact that this isn't it.
Ladies and gentlemen, my mind hurts. My head hurts. Everything I do upsets someone. If I open up a window on the bus, someone gets upset. If I try and talk, someone gets upset. If I walk out my door there is someone there with a problem. Never a solution but a problem. Even my own blood brother is apart of the lets trash Chanel gang. Hash tag don't believe what you see on Facebook, anyone can put up a nice post and 24 months later that person is the leader of the I hate you gang.
I had to write right now. I had to write because it's not about going shopping. It's not about spending money its about realizing something isn't right and I don't know what it is. Have you ever met people that won't to pull you down and so call level you. Like if you progressed it is their duty to remind you that you haven't done enough. The kind of people that don't congratulate you but get more people to hate you? Well I don't know how I was born into this situation but I SURELY didn't ask for it.
I am often asked if I'm from Chicago and to be honest that's getting annoying. Just because your from a place doesn't mean its home. Home is where the heart is. It hurts so bad being called a hoe. I can't lie. It hurts. It hurts when people you don't know walk past you bump you and can say whatever they want. It hurts because I don't think that's fair. I don't think it's fair I got back on a plane to be convinced this is the best place in the world. No it's not. It's violent, extremely violent, mostly white people own a lot of the businesses and mostly black people go against each other. Men treat women like dirt. They call me out of my name and live with their mothers. EVERYONE is broke in the words of Chicago and I am tired of it.
If someone actually cared about what I view success as it would literally be in a place where people are kind. We all owned a lot of property and there weren't people living in apartments calling the next person broke because they owned everything they possessed. I am often times tired of living around my own kind. I hate to say it but its depressing. Support only comes when they want something. I love my people I really do but it is so negative. Everyone is talking about the next person.
I just want to go to an Ivy League University and become better. It's not that hard for a male to not talk to a female as if she is nothing. Even if she doesn't have a lot of money. I think success is your family not being the ring leader of making fun of you but supporting you. That's not okay.
I literally am going crazy staying in Chicago. How many times am I supposed to pretend the same thing wasn't there 3 years ago? How many times am I supposed to say, wow that looks great as it looks the same from the other day. How many times and I supposed to lie and say this is exciting when in the end its the same damn thing. I wish I had people around me who support my ideas and not quiet them. For what? A city hates me but its not home to me. Yes I from here but that means nothing. Home is where you are happy. It's where you feel free and you feel safe. I don't feel safe here, I don't want to grow here. I don't want to have children and raise them here. It is way to much drugs all on the streets, its way to much crime, and its way to many older people trying to push younger people into their lane.
I thought of David from the bible today. I thought to myself as many blacks that go against me I don't want my children if I have any to deal with that. I don't want my son if I have one to be around men that talk to women as if they are not queens. I don't want my son around men who are in competition with women. I want my son around men who respect women because they had fathers in the home. I want my daughter around women who were taught ownership early in life so they aren't aiming to have who's the wealthiest apartment liver. Here's the reality, everything is to small. I often times feel sick to my stomach. It's like a box and I can't say I'm happy here.
I thought time would pass and my feelings would change but they only got worst. My own people are against me and all I want is success. A lot of property and the ability to meet people without them touching you or asking for sex in the first 5 minutes of meeting you.
I don't think that's a lot to ask.
In closing, I don't think I should have returned to Chicago. I think it was a huge mistake. One that has caused a lot of damage to my spirit.
God bless,
SPEAK
Hello why hi! As you know already I'm a 32 year old woman that grew up extremely poor in the city of Chicago. Here's the reality, my life was unfair. I was surrounded by people that didn't like me, and quit frankly didn't really care. Luckily I didn't end up with a baby before 16 but as it seems even women who've had kids as teenagers turned out with more support then I did.
A shelter rang through the phone and I thought I just want to go. Why me? Honestly, yes I had to ask why me? Deep in my core I am the sweetest person ever but for some reason in Chicago I just feel trapped. I can't explain it. I don't want to go anywhere, every where is so violent. If you go downtown it's nice but here's the deal. I went to school downtown so it can get kinda boring. When you go to school downtown, work downtown and live downtown the fancy of it all becomes normal. Reason being, you already see it for what it is. You've already walked around in your flip flops and faux fur smoking a blunt in the park. You've literally already seen it, over and over and over again. So what else is there to do?
A net just passed me so I'm wondering should I rush outside and see something that I've already seen or should I just be honest and say I don't want to be here. I really don't. My mom tried to talk to me about the South Shore Cultural Center and one of those parks becoming one, I literally thought I don't care. No about her but about hearing the same thing over and over and over again.
I am a person that has come to realize I don't do well in situations where there isn't new things to discover. I can't have the same friends, after a while I get bored of them. Usually it's the same thing. I can't stay in the same place to long because after about 6 months I'm ready to go. I can't even see the same view after a while. I literally go crazy. I don't understand how people can stay in one city for so long and be content with that. I don't. I am not judging anyone however this is driving me up a wall.
Here's a quick update, I'm still in the worst apartment I could have ever signed a lease to and recently got rehired at a job I worked at some years ago. I had to collect unemployment for a short while because there was no money coming in. They now are asking me to pay money back. A pure shame as there was no food in my place and no way to even buy bleach to clean my apartment. Relationships, yeah right I don't want one. No offense the idea of staying around a person when I legit can't stand staying in one city is not ideal for me at all. I have to be honest I am about to lose my mind.
I've tried meeting new people, reality check everyone in Chicago since I've met them doesn't have anything new to say. The guys think I'm nasty but really half the time their pants are off there butt and I see their underwear. Girls try and bully me to start a fight but I always think this isn't it so there is no need to respond. A lot of times I have to walk away. I do. I get on the bus, they bump me, try and push me and even hit me. Last female hit me in the head and all I could think is Chanel you are not wealthy and don't let her ruin the chance of you getting there. So I walked away, smiled and thought to myself this is not it. Everyone calls everyone bums, broke and the filthiest names all day. Literally that is most of the conversation that I hear but if you ask them what mansion they live in in a secluded community there is no response. I am about to loose my mind. This is not fair. First I have to grow up poor, struggling and outright bogus. Then my family turns against me and leaves me hanging.
On my way from the grocery store that my mother had to help me get food. Reason being, I couldn't get hired or get my checks so I had to have help. I was so stressed out I ended up sick with fibroid tumors on my pelvic. Literally. Went from healthy as an ox to sick as a dog. That saying where stress can kill you, I didn't believe it until now. I am literally like the most hated person and I don't know any of the people that hate me. I just have to remember that success looks a lot nicer and way more cleaner. Even the neighbor where success sleeps is cleaner, nicer, less violence and has really pretty high gates that open up when you drive up and there is a security at the front gate who won't let people in without permission. That is the only thing that gets me out of bed. The fact that this isn't it.
Ladies and gentlemen, my mind hurts. My head hurts. Everything I do upsets someone. If I open up a window on the bus, someone gets upset. If I try and talk, someone gets upset. If I walk out my door there is someone there with a problem. Never a solution but a problem. Even my own blood brother is apart of the lets trash Chanel gang. Hash tag don't believe what you see on Facebook, anyone can put up a nice post and 24 months later that person is the leader of the I hate you gang.
I had to write right now. I had to write because it's not about going shopping. It's not about spending money its about realizing something isn't right and I don't know what it is. Have you ever met people that won't to pull you down and so call level you. Like if you progressed it is their duty to remind you that you haven't done enough. The kind of people that don't congratulate you but get more people to hate you? Well I don't know how I was born into this situation but I SURELY didn't ask for it.
I am often asked if I'm from Chicago and to be honest that's getting annoying. Just because your from a place doesn't mean its home. Home is where the heart is. It hurts so bad being called a hoe. I can't lie. It hurts. It hurts when people you don't know walk past you bump you and can say whatever they want. It hurts because I don't think that's fair. I don't think it's fair I got back on a plane to be convinced this is the best place in the world. No it's not. It's violent, extremely violent, mostly white people own a lot of the businesses and mostly black people go against each other. Men treat women like dirt. They call me out of my name and live with their mothers. EVERYONE is broke in the words of Chicago and I am tired of it.
If someone actually cared about what I view success as it would literally be in a place where people are kind. We all owned a lot of property and there weren't people living in apartments calling the next person broke because they owned everything they possessed. I am often times tired of living around my own kind. I hate to say it but its depressing. Support only comes when they want something. I love my people I really do but it is so negative. Everyone is talking about the next person.
I just want to go to an Ivy League University and become better. It's not that hard for a male to not talk to a female as if she is nothing. Even if she doesn't have a lot of money. I think success is your family not being the ring leader of making fun of you but supporting you. That's not okay.
I literally am going crazy staying in Chicago. How many times am I supposed to pretend the same thing wasn't there 3 years ago? How many times am I supposed to say, wow that looks great as it looks the same from the other day. How many times and I supposed to lie and say this is exciting when in the end its the same damn thing. I wish I had people around me who support my ideas and not quiet them. For what? A city hates me but its not home to me. Yes I from here but that means nothing. Home is where you are happy. It's where you feel free and you feel safe. I don't feel safe here, I don't want to grow here. I don't want to have children and raise them here. It is way to much drugs all on the streets, its way to much crime, and its way to many older people trying to push younger people into their lane.
I thought of David from the bible today. I thought to myself as many blacks that go against me I don't want my children if I have any to deal with that. I don't want my son if I have one to be around men that talk to women as if they are not queens. I don't want my son around men who are in competition with women. I want my son around men who respect women because they had fathers in the home. I want my daughter around women who were taught ownership early in life so they aren't aiming to have who's the wealthiest apartment liver. Here's the reality, everything is to small. I often times feel sick to my stomach. It's like a box and I can't say I'm happy here.
I thought time would pass and my feelings would change but they only got worst. My own people are against me and all I want is success. A lot of property and the ability to meet people without them touching you or asking for sex in the first 5 minutes of meeting you.
I don't think that's a lot to ask.
In closing, I don't think I should have returned to Chicago. I think it was a huge mistake. One that has caused a lot of damage to my spirit.
God bless,
SPEAK
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